No matter how much advice people give you, it doesn’t matter—becoming a mother is something you can never truly prepare for. People would ask me if I was sure I wanted to have a baby so young. They would ask me if I was ready to be a parent. My opinion is that you are never truly ready to be a parent, even if you are as prepared as can be.
Motherhood was such an interesting transition for me. It wasn’t a transition at all, actually. Motherhood was frightening and came quicker than I thought. Obviously it was frightening and came sooner because she came a month early, but even though our situation was rare and crazy, I think a lot of moms feel scared and feel that the call to motherhood comes sooner than they expected. Nine months isn’t that long.
That pregnancy goes by so fast, and soon enough they are there in your arms. You are so in love and happy with your new little bundle of joy, but you also don’t know what to expect when you take them home from the hospital. I am honestly grateful we got to spend that first month with Lillian in the NICU because I had so much guidance, and I felt I was knowledgeable enough to take her home and not freak out about everything. But taking her home was still frightening.
Motherhood wasn’t what I expected it to be. I expected a normal delivery. I expected lack of sleep to be the new norm. I expected a crying baby 24/7. I expected to be able to exclusively breastfeed up to a year. I expected a lot, and I learned to let go of those expectations over time.
Not all of those unmet expectations were bad. For example, I am so happy Lillian is a good sleeper. I am also so happy that she is a content little girl. She has seriously been such a blessing to me.
When I think about the expectations I had that “fell through,” I think they were more my expectations for myself. I expected a lot out of myself, as do most people. I do find that having things not go as planned has made me a more open-minded person. I also feel it has helped me to not be so judgmental of other mothers because we are all trying to do our best.
I think the expectations I had for myself and that I continue to have for myself are the toughest part of motherhood so far. Of course, I have rough days where Lillian is being so moody and clingy. She throws fits or pulls my hair while trying to play with me—those days are hard. But the hardest part is that I feel like I am not doing enough as a mother.
I know I am not a bad mom. I am not crying out for attention or help. I think a lot of moms feel that they are fine moms but they feel there is so much more they need to do. I feel that way! I want to give Lillian all of my time but finding the balance between school and parenting is hard. Being in school while having a baby was definitely harder than I thought it was going to be.
I want to get better at finding a balance in my life. To any moms out there who may be having a hard time finding balance, you are not alone, AND you are doing amazing. It may be hard, but we are all figuring this out one kid at a time.
P.S. I know Lillian is an easy baby. I have been told not to expect another child as easier as her multiple times. I honestly think I was blessed with her being an easy baby because of her rough start. I am expecting a wild child to come and to whip me into more shape than Lillian already has. I am preparing for it, haha.