If you read through my Blogging Tips post, I briefly mentioned that I had a miscarriage back in October. This is not something I have told many people about, just close friends and some family members. I learned a lot from that experience, and I believe it better prepared me for my current pregnancy.
Tanner and I knew we wanted to have our children around two years apart, at least these first two. I got pregnant very quickly with my first, Lillian. It took us two months of trying and we got pregnant with her. I am a skeptical person and I had a C-Section with Lillian, so I was worried for some reason (even though this isn’t medically true at all) that it would take us longer to get pregnant the second time around. So, after talking about when to start trying, my husband and I decided that we would stop trying to prevent getting pregnant in October when Lillian was 17 months old. We assumed we wouldn’t get pregnant right away.
Well, we were wrong. I got pregnant that first month of trying. I kind of felt like I was pregnant, and my period was a few days late, so I took a test when we got home from visiting my in-laws. It came back positive, and I was shocked but happy. Tanner was a little less shocked and proceeded to tell me “I told you it wouldn’t take long.”
I was almost five weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t too far along. I think I made it to a little past six weeks when I lost the baby. We actually weren’t home. We were at the temple. Temples are religious buildings we attend to worship in my religion. I started to feel cramps, but I had cramps with my pregnancy with Lillian, so I wasn’t too worried about it. The cramps got worse, and when we were done at the temple, I went to the bathroom and found that I had started to spot. I knew instantly that I was having a miscarriage.
When I went out to meet up with Tanner, I just started crying instantly because I didn’t expect that to happen, especially in a place of worship. But I wasn’t mad at God; I knew that these things happen. No matter how much it hurt, I knew that these things happen and that I am not exempt to experiencing sadness and disappointment in life. I wasn’t going to blame myself, my body, or God for something that happened to me in life. I also didn’t feel shameful or that my body failed me. I already had one baby and I loved her very much and felt grateful to have her in my life.
I did not sleep well that night. The cramps were on the higher end of moderate pain, if that makes sense. They weren’t unbearable, but just the thought that they were what was causing the baby to leave me made me want to block the pain out, so I took some Advil because I just wanted to stop feeling the pain.
I passed the baby at around six in the morning, and that was that. The next few days I was just really sad and had a huge lack of motivation. I called to cancel the prenatal appointment I set up, and ended up talking to a nurse who advised me to go in and see the doctor. I wish I hadn’t because it was a waste of my time, money, and just kind of embarrassing. I could have taken a pregnancy test at home a week later instead of going to see the doctor.
After the miscarriage, I lacked a lot of motivation for the next month or two. That was not ideal because I was in my second-to-last semester of college and taking some very hard classes. I still passed, but after the miscarriage I was just going through the motions to get the classes done. I also expected that I would tell more people about what happened, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it those first few months.
We were told we could start trying to get pregnant again about two months after the miscarriage if we felt ready, but I didn’t feel emotionally ready to start trying again until January. January came and went and we didn’t get pregnant, so I decided to buy an ovulation tester kit and drink a fertility tea that I believe helped me. We ended up getting pregnant again in February. Again, it took us no more than two months to get pregnant, and I am really happy about that. I also always either wanted to get married in November (which didn’t happen, haha) or have a baby in November. I love Fall and couldn’t think of a better time to welcome this new little babe to our family.
The miscarriage was a sad experience, but I think it helped me to better appreciate this pregnancy I am currently experiencing by being grateful for this baby and all the symptoms that come along with pregnancy. I think it also helped me to better prepare mentally to bring another child into the world. I had a few more months to ponder about this next baby. I am very grateful for the opportunity I have to be pregnant again and with a healthy, normal baby girl.
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